JEANINE'S BITS AND PIECES

The "R" word revisted... (may be offensive to some)

For those of you who know me well, you know about my utter disdain for the "r" word (you can even read about it here in a post from over three years ago). My good college friend Kristi, who has a beautiful daughter (Kyla) with Down Syndrome, has alerted me to the fact that the "r" word is going to be making a dreaded comeback because of a new movie that is coming out.

I know many of you are not going to agree with the message below or see the point of it, but maybe it will just make you aware that some of the things that come out of people's mouths can be way more hurtful than you realize.

Imagine if your child was disabled and his classmates (or classmates' parents) decided to wear a shirt that is mentioned below. How do you explain it? My daughter, who appears "normal" or "typical" has a disease called PDC - it is a neurological disorder related to dystonia that can make her look "twisted". She went to a wonderful preschool for a year that was partially funded by the generous ARC (the Association for Retarded Citizens). She is now in the preschool in the public school and was placed in the pre-K last year because she tested high. She is very social, witty and smart. Yet she is considered "retarded" by definition (delayed in some areas). Do you realize how hurtful it is when she and I are in the store and someone says to their companion or into their cell phone, "Stop being so retarded" or "I must be retarded, I can't find the hairspray"?

I am posting this to raise awareness on how hurtful words can be. I don't know if boycotting this movie is the answer, but what i do know is this: Role models - be it actors, athletes, teachers, or parents - please choose your words carefully. You never know who is listening.

My friend's email:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As someone who has enjoyed some of Ben Stiller's movies and appreciates Robert Downey Jrs work, I am greatly saddened by what I am hearing about their new movie "Tropic Thunder."  (See below.)  The negative use of the word "retard" and their protrayal of the "retard stereotype" is beyond offensive - it is hurtful.  The thought of explaining to my children why they hear in a commercial or see on a t-shirt to "never go full retard" is sickening.  Michael is just beginning to be more interested in Down syndrome and what it means - and what it means for Kyla.  To have the positive messages we are teaching him about the abilities in all of us and the value of differences countered by the negative messages being marketed in this film is heartbreaking.

If you were planning to see this movie, I respectfully ask that you honor Kyla by not doing so.  Not supporting it with our dollars is the strongest way to send a message that this isn't ok.  This movie does nothing to promote the respect that Kyla and other's with disabilities deserve.  She deserves a better world, and quite honestly, so do the rest of us.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of you have been following the controversy surrounding the film Tropic Thunder and the possible national boycott by disability groups, including the National Down Syndrome Congress and the national ARC. Here is an Op Ed piece by Timothy Shriver (Eunice Kennedy Shriver's son) that appeared in the Washington Post.

Timothy Shriver, Chairman of Special Olympics, has an op-ed piece on "Tropic Thunder" in today's Washington Post (read below). Meanwhile, disability advocates are preparing for a possible national boycott of the film.

What 'Tropic Thunder' Thinks Is Funny By Timothy Shriver Monday, August 11, 2008; A15

I've been told to keep my sense of humor about the film "Tropic Thunder," which opens this week. Despite my requests, I have not been given the chance to see the movie. But I've seen previews, read about it and read excerpts of the script. By all accounts, it is an unchecked assault on the humanity of people with intellectual disabilities -- an affront to dignity, hope and respect.

Consider this exchange:

Ben Stiller's character: "There were times when I was doing Jack when I actually felt retarded. Like really retarded."

Robert Downey Jr.'s character: "Oh yeah. Damn."

Stiller: "In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb."

Downey: "To be a moron."

Stiller: "Yeah."

At another point, about acting like a person with intellectual disabilities, they say: Stiller: "It's what we do, right?"

Downey: "Everybody knows you never do a full retard."

Stiller: "What do you mean?"

Downey: "Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."

I worked with the Farrelly brothers on a film on this topic. I know about edgy comedy. I'm also told that movies are equal-opportunity offenders. So here's an equal-opportunity response to the equal-opportunity offenders: People with intellectual disabilities are routinely abused, neglected, insulted, institutionalized and even killed around the world. Their parents are told to give up, that their children are worthless. Schools turn them away. Doctors refuse to treat them. Employers won't hire them. None of this is funny.

For centuries, they have been the exception to the most basic spiritual principle: that we are each equal in spirit, capable of reflecting the goodness of the divine, carriers of love. But not people with intellectual disabilities. What's a word commonly applied to them? Hopeless. Let's consider where we are in 2008. Our politics are about overcoming division, our social movements are about ending intolerance, our great philanthropists promote ending poverty and disease among the world's poor. Are people with intellectual disabilities included in the mainstream of these movements? For the most part, no. Why? Because they're different. Their joy doesn't fit on magazine covers. Their spirituality doesn't come in self-help television. Their kind of wealth doesn't command political attention. (The best of the spirit never does.) Sadly, they're such an easy target that many people don't realize whom they are making fun of when they use the word "retard." Most people just think it's funny. "Stupid, idiot, moron, retard." Ha, ha, ha.

I know: I could be too sensitive. But I was taught that mean isn't funny. And I've been to institutions where people with intellectual disabilities are tied to beds or lie on concrete floors, forgotten. I've heard doctors say they won't treat them. I know Gallup found that more than 60 percent of Americans don't want a person with an intellectual disability at their child's school. I've talked to people with intellectual disabilities who cry over being insulted on a bus. I've received too many e-mails from people who are devastated not by their child's disability but by the terror of being laughed at, excluded and economically devastated. It wasn't funny when Hollywood humiliated African Americans for a generation. It's never funny when good and decent human beings are humiliated. In fact, it is dangerous and disgusting. This film is all that and more.

DreamWorks went so far as to create a mini-version of Simple Jack and posted it online. The studio has since pulled it down, realizing it had gone too far, even in an age of edgy, R-rated comedies. So, enough. Stop the hurtful jokes. Talk to your children about language that is bullying and mean. Ask your friends, your educators, your religious leaders to help us to end the stubborn myth that people with intellectual disabilities are hopeless. Ask Hollywood to get on the right side of dignity. I hope others will join me in shutting this movie out of our lives and our pocketbooks. We don't live in times when labeling and humiliating others is funny. And we should send that message far and wide.

The writer is chairman of Special Olympics and a columnist for washingtonpost.com's On Faith discussion site.

EDITED 8/13 11:42am EST - Great comments/points of view! I added a link and also wanted to add, as Brenda Pinnick stated in her comment, that this goes for many other words as well and not just the "r" word. Additionally, as Donna states below, perhaps we should not focus on the vocabulary and words used/chosen but rather take that energy to "educate others as to who these people are and how we deal with them and treat them." Thanks to both of you and everyone for your input.

Playdates, special needs kids, friends and a principal's letter

If you have been reading my blog for a while (hi mom!) you know I have 2 kids with special needs.

My 4 year-old daughter, Calista, has a very rare neurological movement disorder that causes seizure-like activity anytime she is still (car seat, grocery cart, sleeping, etc). She remains VERY active to try to stay out of these "episodes" but overall is a very healthy looking girl and is super social. Although we are unsure of what the future holds as far as her disability is concerned, we are really grateful that she has amazing play skills, is caring, and makes friends quite easily (aside from her diva moments!).

My 6 year-old son, Colton, has high-functioning autism, ADHD, and a speech processing disorder among other things. He has significant social and behavior issues but if very verbal, really smart (he's in kindergarten testing at a 2nd grade level for math and reading), and loves people. Unfortunately for him, "people" (esp kids) don't return the love because he is so "different".

For Colton especially, the best thing for him is interaction with typical peers. Play dates are wonderful for him, but extremely challenging. I am so appreciative of the parents and children who show him kindness, patience and compassion during play dates, during field day, at the park, running errands, etc. but I am constantly frustrated and saddened by those that stare at him or make fun of him (the parents seem to be worse than the kids!!).

I happened to be venting about some of this stuff to Jen today during our walk (long-distance treadmill walking, when we talk on our headsets while we walk since she is in Chicago and I am in NJ) even before I opened email... my good college friend Kristi Thorson, who has a beautiful little girl with Downs Syndrome, emailed me a letter the principal of her WI school district sent out to the community. I was so touched by this letter I wanted to share it with you.

As Kristi stated, "I hope you will read it not thinking just of kids with special needs, but of how we can welcome all people who may not be "just like us" into our lives."

_________________________________________

 

June 2008 The Listening Post

 

FROM THE PRINCIPAL

 

Dear Lake Bluff Community,

 

We had a good year but I want to talk to you about something more important and then get back to that.  Perhaps you are the parent of a special needs child? If you are not, for the sake of this exercise, please imagine that you are.

 

Here goes: You want your child to have all the joy and personal development that a play date could bring, so you speak to the mother of a classmate whom your child talks about frequently. You ask if her child could come over to your house on Saturday morning. The parent you ask looks a bit surprised and tells you that her child is busy on Saturday but promises to call you to arrange a future date. Your child is disappointed about Saturday but is excited about a future play date. The trouble is, the mother never calls and even avoids eye contact when you see her later. Every time your child asks about the play date your heart breaks.

 

Do you think the situation I just described is rare? I'm afraid that it is not nearly rare enough. We are fortunate to have our children attend a school where human diversity is in full flower. Our children are in classrooms where there is no commonality of race, gender, ethnicity, religion, income, and ability in its many forms. We have a perfect setting in which to help our children develop empathy, understanding, tolerance, and acceptance.  But these essential qualities must be developed in the face of the natural human propensity to affiliate with people most like ourselves. If left unchallenged we tend to aggregate ourselves along economic, racial, ethnic, cognitive, and physical stratifications. Civil and compassionate people recoil from any official policy of segregation but consider all of the unofficial segregation we have in our lives.

 

In our increasingly interconnected world the qualities of empathy, understanding, acceptance and tolerance are basic survival skills for the human race plus they make our lives richer and happier. I would urge you this summer to take opportunities to push your child out of her/his and perhaps your comfort zone.  Sit down with the school directory and ask your child to invite someone for a play date that he/she normally wouldn't invite. Think especially about those children with challenges who tend to get passed over socially. Make the world of our children bigger this summer by making it more inclusive. Thank you for thinking about this.

 

Kirk Juffer, PhD. Principal